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Chapter 7

It is rather surprising to me that after these 5 years that in many ways, so little has changed. I read the chapters previously written here and much remains the same. Perhaps a new development is that the wife and I have come much closer to divorcing at various points, and more often lately. Our fights lately have been nastier and more exhausting. Sadly, there is so little to say at this time. Do I love her? Yes. Do I wish we had never married? Yes. Do I wish I had never become a father? Yes. Do I love my kids? More than anything. But damnit, the knowledge that these decisions are permanent and can never be undone or amended sticks with me. I envy my single friends. I envy the married but childless.

I continue to learn more about myself, in strange ways. I knew many years ago when my pet rodent died that I was not the most caring or compassionate person. I was sad when it died, but it died from my neglect and loss of interest -- and this was as a teenager. I should have known then that those same attitudes would apply to people. It's true -- I am self-centered and neglectful and lose interest in people after a certain amount of time. I have lost interest in my wife, though I love her. Love is something that means something different than it used to for me. I am still sexually attracted to her and the sex is great, more or less. But I could just as easily not have sex. I could just as easily not be married to her. Our interests are so divergent anyway that the most we have in common is our children, home, and finances. We agree on some things and we get along for the most part. But our ways of living would be much different if we were not married, meaning I would live a different kind of life and maybe she would too. I think I live according to her ideals much more than mine.

Chapter 6

I am not sure if all women are crazy or if it is just my wife. I have given up so much for her but it is all for naught. I am not appreciated or respected and treated quite unfairly. They say marriage is supposed to be about equality but it is not. Maybe it works for some but this feels like being used. I have worked so hard to please her but nothing works. It is endless giving with little in return.

I have become so bitter I do not feel like myself anymore. I have grown to hate people as a group.

We're all selfish bastards.

I am so tired of fighting - fighting with my wife, fighting for freedom, fighting to make enough money to survive, fighting for peace of mind... It goes on. Is fate against me? Has Fortune spun me to the bottom of the wheel forever? I want to be myself and be free again so badly. But I know some things are irrevocable. Being divorced with a child is not the same as being single. I don't even want anyone else. All I want is to have control over my life again! I should have said goodbye years ago when I had the chance and now my cowardice is destroying me.

Chapter 5

I was not meant for this. I am a lazy coward who does not know when enough is enough. But there is no going back now. Some misakes are permanent. How do you make the best of something so unfortunate?

I have never been more alone.

I believe it is best to keep a safe distance from most people. Getting too close to others will only lead to stress and heartache and disappointment. Humans are not nice to be around too much, myself included.

Chapter 4

Wishing for death just is not enough.

Is there anything to look forward to? Life seems but drudgery all the way through, with small moments inserted here and there to fool us into having hope.

Chapter 3

I have learned so much in these past two years, since I last wrote of my life and thoughts. I have had sex, been cheated on, gotten engaged, smoked pot, gotten drunk, gotten married, become a father, lost most of my friends, graduated from college, worked full-time, had mental breakdowns, gone to marriage counseling, gone to the other side of the country twice, and lost my faith in most things. That is, to name the big points, most of what has happened. I used to dismiss the oh-so-many couples who said they regretted getting married, thinking they chose poorly or didn't know real love or just that they were fundamentally different from me. I understand now. I understand how a person can genuinely love someone and still, at times, wish that marriage had been avoided altogether. Love is wonderful and not worrying about being alone is a great thing. It provides security. But the main trade-off is freedom: something I never understood before. I cannot do whatever I want, especially more so as a father. And I love my son more than anything in this world. His name is xxxxx and I am blessed to have such a child as my son.

Chapter 2

Where does one begin? The beginning does not work, but in medias res will do. I am married and the father of one child. I love my wife and child. Yet sometimes I wish I were alone. Maybe I don't want to be completely alone, but sometimes I do not want this life. Even now it is difficult to write this as my child is next to me and crying. I will have to continue later.

Chapter 1

This is for me. What follows is my anonymous confession. These things are too honest, too disturbing to be told to anyone in particular. It is me and what I wish were not true.


absit iniuria verbis

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